Graduation season has arrived! I’m excited! Are you excited? I can’t hear you! Are you excited?? Allright! Shall we proceed?? O-K!

1. Stationary -

The thank you letter you received said : “Dear distant relative/ friend of my parents, I’m writing this thank you letter on the stationary you got me for my high school graduation! What an awesome creative gift. I am going to keep it on my desk and use it for correspondence. It will be great for taking notes in class! Thanks so much! Love, Eli”

Now…reality:

“Dear distant relative/ friend of my parents, Stationary?? It’s 2009. If i even planned on taking notes (which would necessitate me going to class, which i wont), I’d type them on a computer so that I can simultaneously chat with friends online via the internet. I don’t know anyone in a war to write passionate letters to, nor do I like anyone enough to spend valuable time writing them a note using actual pen and paper. Now that I have this stationary my mom is making me hand write all my thank you letters instead of sending out a form email. Literally thank you for absolutely nothing.  uggghhhhhhh….goddddddddddddd, Eli”

Cookbook: 1 Your gift: 0

2. Towels

because of a fusion of movies and the gift giver’s distant recollection of college, the perceived size of a dorm room has grown to gargantuan dimensions. Never ever has there been a dorm room with a hot tub in it, so having 5 clean towels on hand is completely illogical. Based on teenage logic the more towels you buy me, the less often I have to wash any towels, which means a mound of moldy towels will be heaped next to a mound of moldy pizza boxes.  Also towela for various sections of your body (i.e. hand and face towels) are what fancy people keep in their bathrooms but don’t touch. Sorry to break the news, but in college they will use the same towel to dry themselves off, then use it as a napkin while they eat and as a rag to clean off their coffee table.

The cookbook takes up less space, doesn’t need to be washed and also functions as an elegant beer coaster. unos, dos, tres…clean sweep cookbook.

3. Luggage –

Luggage is great if you are actually traveling, but most people go to college within driving distance of home. Instead of springing for her royal higness’ matched luggage that’s gonna run the bill to $100s if not $1,000s of buckaroos, here’s a little tip. Take $25 out of your wallet. Spend $19.03 on Freshman in the Kitchen and then pick up a pack of 30 garbage bags.

You know what works amazingly well as college luggage? Garbage bags. They are cheap. they hold a lot of stuff. They are black which matches everything. They are foldable, storable and double as …garbage bags.

They will allow the recent grad to get away with not folding things (“mom, I’m just cramming it all into this garbage bag anyway!”) giving your graduate a nice sense of boho chic independence. You might even unknowingly be starting a fad which could make you cool by extension, although odds of this occurring are slim considering 2 minutes ago you were about to buy them a crap load of towels.

If this email was the Preakness, the cookbook woulda just won the triple crown.

4. College sweatshirt or apparel

It’s tough to playa hate on a college hoodie or sweats. Like a fine wine, they only get better with age so it can make for a tasty gift. Here’s the main problem – INTANGIBLES. each college has about 349 styles of logo. If you bought 348, you’d surely leave the one cool style on the shelf. For you, the purchaser, it’s lose lose. You’ve gotta think size, color, factor in the freshman 15, is it good for winter, summer…Do you really want to get the wrong color sweatshirt 2 sizes too big just so it sits on the shelf until someone accidentally taps the keg incorrectly and your gifted apparel is within closer reach than the paper towel?

I think we’ve illustrated how potentially disastrous this gift could be. Let’s talk about a gift that comes in 1 size with a dazzling color scheme sure to appeal to everyone, with healthy recipes, easy recipes, interpretations on favorites and some horizon expanding ethnic treats. It’s good for everyone of any size, of any color, at any school in any season. It’s like the United Colors of Benneton of Cookbooks. But cool.

5. Straight cash in an envelope

So…. you’re gonna try to be the cool gift giver who gives an envelope filled with the kindest of college greens. Well I’ve got bad news for you. Cash says a few things to the graduate and they aren’t that good…(and I’m estimating here, that in this economy, were talking probably in the vicinity of $36 bucks …) To illustrate what giving straight cash will mean to the graduate, I’ve given you options A and B for your card inscription to go along with the cash.

a) “Dear graduate, I know nothing about you and am too lazy to think or inquire for even 1 minute about your personal interests. Good luck!”

b)  ” Your monumental achievement of making it through 4 probably awful years of high school, gaining acceptance to a location of higher learning and embarking on a massive independent stage of your life is worth exactly 2 tickets to Angels and Demons,1 large popcorn, and 1 small diet coke. P.S – the priest is the bad guy.”

And there you have it. The choice is crystal clear. Freshman in the Kitchen is under $20 and is the perfect grad gift for any high school or college graduate.

If you feel like fwd’ing this onto anyone including your entire address book, that’d be totally cat’s pajama’s in our eyes.

I’ll leave you with only 2 short sweet words that have become a manditory inclusion for any person currently trying to sell any product, or convince anyone to do anything….and here they are:

Barack Obama.

Happy Grad Season,

Max and Eli

www.freshmaninthekitchen.com